Monday, June 8, 2015

Anxiety.

This is pretty much me rambling and I won't have much structure to this post. So, I'll be jumping from topic to topic. Bare with me.

I have been hesitant to talk about this for quite some time now. Probably since the start of my blog. It's such a hard topic to talk about for me. Don't get me wrong, I go on and on about how to deal with anxiety, listen to others, and give advice to others. But to talk about my own? Nah. I'll pass. 

I guess that's why they call it anxiety...






It's a struggle just to get a sentence out at times. Thinking about every word, how it will come out, and how it will be perceived causes me to stutter most of the time. There were times that you could have sworn I had a speech impediment. *sigh* 

Even simple comments and messages on social media and text messages are a struggle. 

*Writes message* 
Reread.
"Nahhh... that's stupid." 
Erase. 
Rewrite. 
Reread. 
"Hmmm... okay... well, erase that word. Rewrite it this way."
Reread.
*sigh*
"It is what it is..."
Send.

It's a wonder I can communicate at all.





My job has helped tremendously. I have been working as a receptionist (among other things) for a few years now, and it's been extremely therapeutic to be forced to talk to people with confidence and purpose. However, some days can get pretty rough. 

Panic attacks f*cking S U C K. Period. When they happen, it's all at once. It isn't slow to start. You don't feel it coming on. It just happens. The walls start to close in. You suddenly can't breathe. And all you want to do is curl up in a ball, shut your eyes, and fall asleep. I get like this sometimes. Especially when I feel overwhelmed about something. It can be brought on by the smallest and most obvious things: public speaking, completing task in front of someone, right before I take a test, being late for something, meeting new people, etc.

I've been told in the past that it's normal to feel anxious about those kinds of things. Of course, it is. But is it normal to go through what I do when those kinds of things occur? The answer is simply N O. I start to sweat, my heart rate changes, my breathing becomes short and I can't seem to catch it. I want to cry, moan, and yell at people; all the while I need SILENCE. Someone has to calm me down, make me laugh, or remind me of how to control my breathing. Sorry, but that's not normal to me.


I've been told that I'm "doing too much", "worrying too much", irrational, crazy, and ridiculous. Just an FYI to people that have said this to someone like me...don't. Mmkay? This actually makes it worse for us. We are trying to "act normal" for everyone else because we KNOW that we have a problem. Being anxious and having panic attacks aren't anything that we WANT to be or have. Hearing that we're being crazy, worrywarts makes it worse.

When I'm told that I'm being crazy about something, it stays with me for days. Sometimes weeks. I beat myself up for being such a spazz about what ever it was I was "spazzing" about. Don't get me wrong. I don't want anyone to think that I have a "condition" and treat me like I do. There are times when I need someone to tell me that everything is fine and that I'm fine. Not all the time, but sometimes it's needed.

For those who suffer from anxiety like me, if you didn't gain anything from this post, remember this: You are NOT crazy, weird, irrational, ridiculous, or any of the things that they call us. When you get that feeling, just breathe. You are in control and everything will be okay. Even if things don't work out exactly how you want them to, that's okay too. It sounds so cliche to say this but, think happy thoughts! Think about something that makes you happy, calm, and collected. Most importantly, do NOT be ashamed to seek help. You aren't crazy, you just need help with your problem.

You are NOT the problem, you have one. There's a difference. Never forget that.