Monday, September 8, 2014

Untitled.

This post is totally from the heart... Totally me. Raw. 100% - What is on my mind at this moment. And I don't care about the filter tonight.

Say what you want, but let's be honest here. Being single has it good days, and even some great days... But there are those days that it's complete and total SHIT. There's no fighting it, and definitely no hiding it sometimes. I've been pretty good so far about moving forward and focusing on myself. However, there are days, like today, that my emotions just overtake me and I just have to break down and cry.

I've been asked constantly. Over and over... Annnnnd over. Annnnnd over again, "How do you feel?" "What do you want?" "Who do you want?" And all I really want to ask is, "What difference does it make to you?" Don't you just hate when people ask you things like that sometimes? Lol. Well, let's see... I've got a,b,c, and d problems with this guy... and this guy has x,y, and z issues. I can't even imagine adding another one to this crazy-insane mix. And the worst part of it all? People make it known that they want you to do things or pick certain people. Yes, you can't live for other people and what they want for you... BUT, you can't help but take the opinions and thoughts of people that you love and trust into account. Especially if they make valid points about both certain things. What sucks though, is that they can talk all day about what they THINK you should do and what they THINK would be good for you, but they couldn't even imagine the kind of things running through your mind and what you KNOW is best for you.

So after going through these ups and downs for almost 7 months, I've cracked. Tonight. Here and now. At this moment, I've bit the big one emotionally. For the first time in almost 7 months, I'm emotionally overwhelmed. And I've decided to answer the question, "What do you want?" Okay... I'll tell you EXACTLY what I want. Judge if you must, but this is me. Raw. Uncut. Totally vulnerable, emotionally. Things I can't say...but what I feel all the time.

I’m not asking for flowers. I’m not asking for fancy dinners every week. You don’t have to buy me expensive gifts or drape me with diamonds. But you do have to kiss me every morning before you leave for work, and every night before you fall asleep. You do have to spoil me with cuddles and kisses when it’s cold outside. I’m asking for cozy Friday nights in with movies, wine, and popcorn. I’m looking for candle-lit nights with the smell of pancakes and eggs in the morning… baking cookies on a random Saturday night… and blasting our favorite music because we want to dance. I’m missing the feeling of falling in love. The inside jokes. A connection so deep that we communicate without speaking. The moment my heart skips a beat when you smile. When you grab me and place your hand at the curve of my back to pull me in close for a kiss. I need the desire of being nowhere else but wrapped up in your arms. I need your kiss. The look in your eyes that lets me know there’s no one else that makes you feel as you do now, standing here with me. You don’t have to let me have my way when we fight. But you must understand me… When I cry, for whatever reason, hold me. When I’m being stubborn, make me laugh. When I’m reacting out of fear, recognize that and be patient. When I say that I can’t stand you, tell me you love me. When the inner demons of my past show up, support me and build me up. Drive me crazy on purpose. When I run, come for me. Leave me love notes. Call me randomly throughout the day just to hear my voice. Help me pay the bills. When times get rough, tell me they’re going to be okay and we’ll make it through. Make love to me. Give me all of you. Make me feel like there’s no other girl you’d rather be with. Make me feel protected and taken care of. Assure me that you’re never going anywhere. Kiss my belly and tickle me. Pull me close and kiss my neck late at night. Talk to me as we drift to sleep. Tell me your dreams, your goals, your fears, your life… See the world with me. Learn new things with me. Make me your wife. Give me babies because you want to… not because I do. Give me your children to raise with you. Grow old with me. Love me. 
Love me like you’ve never loved anyone before. 
Love me. 
Love me like you’ll never love anyone quite like this again. 
Love me.
And most importantly, be sure that you always will.

If that doesn't answer anyone's questions... Whatevs.