Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Just Breathe...

Getting personal again.

I've been struggling these past few days.

Last Tuesday night was the worst, I think. I completely shut down emotionally and mentally. For the first time ever, I turned my phone off, grabbed my Ravens blankie, went to my back porch and sat there.

I sat there listening to the sounds of the leaves blowing in the wind, our next door neighbors having a conversation about something I couldn't really make out... I listened to the way the crickets sound in the evening, right when the sun sets. Cars went by and I could hear the music blasting from their windows. I looked down and wiggled my toes in the breeze... I watched the bugs fly around. I even watched a squirrel run up the railing of the fence, on to a tree branch, and on to the railing of the fence on the other side of the yard.

Eventually I leaned back and put my feet up on another chair and stared out into the yard and escaped to another time of my life. My childhood...something safer...happier. In Psychology they call it Regression. I needed to run away from the thoughts that were taking over. Never mind what they were. They were just becoming overwhelming. So... I closed my eyes and went to a place in my memory. Inhaling deeply...and... exhale I could hear my laughter and see images of a distant memory. I could feel myself smiling as I drifted closer and closer into unconsciousness until I fell asleep. Inhaling deeply...and... exhale. When I woke up, I walked back to my room and laid down to sleep some more.
I wish I could stare out at this every night...

I don't remember if I had a dream or not. I don't even think it matters. What really matters is that I was able to breathe. I didn't want a friend, a family member, or a man to comfort me... I just wanted to be with myself. To get away from social media, text messages, phone calls, and emails. I wanted to get away from what burdens me the most. Even if it was just for a little while - I needed to get away.

I wanted to let God lay his hands on me to provide comfort and rest. Sometimes I just need the sort of comfort that only the divine can provide. I just wanted to breathe.

Ever feel like that?

Things just become so overwhelming, no matter what those "things" are. Do you ever need a moment to just breathe? Not to put your life into perspective. Not to think about how to handle a situation. Not to figure something out. But to escape. To run away, not forever, just for a short while. To give yourself some space from the world. Unfortunately, I've never, ever truly done that before. It's sad that I had to become so emotionally overwhelmed to do that, but I'm glad that I did. My problems aren't solved, by any means. But everyone needs their time to just breathe sometimes... and I took mine.